Flirting and Body Language

Actions often speak louder than words, so the first key is to learn a little about body language, or what we psychologists like to call non-verbal communication. These are what I think are the three instant non-verbal factors that show you if someone is flirting rather than just being friendly and are useful to use when you want someone to know that you're in flirt mode.

Lingering, direct eye contact
If they look at you direct in the eye for more than a few seconds – they are interested. I'm not suggesting that you time this to put it to the test, but if you feel just a tad uncomfortable, feel the need to avert your gaze to break the moment, or feel the first signs of fluttering sexual awakening, they are definitely keen.

They will imitate your behaviour - mirroring
If they tip their head to one side when you do, smile in direct response to your smile, lean forward when you're leaning forward or draw on their cigarette or sips their drink as you do – they are interested.

They look at your mouth
The mouth is one of the most sensual parts of the body, being responsible for expressing emotion as in a smile or a frown, the first physical encounter, as in a kiss and further intimacy as in taste, licking, sucking and so on. You get the picture! If they look from your eyes to your mouth, linger there, and then return their gaze to your eyes, they are definitely flirting and keen. Watch their pupils – if they enlarge, they are finding you sexy...

Qualities of a natural flirt
Why does it seem so simple for some people to flirt with ease, while others get tongue-tied? It's generally down to confidence and feeling at ease with yourself. Sometimes it's easy for people to flirt in a business context, if they're successful and confident at work, but the same people may be at a total loss for words and flirting skills in a personal situation. And vice versa of course. The expression 'natural' isn't meant to exclude those who have to learn flirt skills rather than find that they are blessed with them from an early age, but the following traits are generally found in people with an innate ability to flirt. However, many of these traits can become skills and will develop with increased confidence and self-esteem.

Natural flirts have:

• Good self-esteem
• Belief in themselves
• The flexibility to develop a rapport with many different types of         people
• A positive and optimistic attitude to life
• A way of making people feel comfortable in their company
• An ability to ask questions and listen properly to the answers
• Good instinct about what makes other people feel good
• An awareness of their own sexuality and the power of that sexuality
• The ability to pick up on other people's reactions to their flirting
• A good sense of when to carry on to the next stage or when to stop     flirting
• Fun!

Natural flirts enjoy:

• Meeting people
• New and different social occasions
• Using language to its full advantage
• A shared sense of humour
• Making and managing eye contact
• Giving compliments and making someone else feel good

Learning to flirt
So much of learning to flirt is about developing confidence, the right attitude and above all a belief in yourself. It is not about what you wear, how you wear it or exactly what you say. You can try out newly learned skills, as outlined above, one at a time in different social situations.

You can't learn to flirt if you don't start interacting with people – actually getting out and meeting them in a variety of situations. It is not a loner's art. The essence of flirting is being able to radiate all the best bits of yourself, so that other people want to know more and are attracted to you. You need to believe that flirting is a fun activity and not a bad thing.

• First and foremost, you need to like yourself and learn to accept compliments with grace, without putting yourself down.
• Learn to spend less time worrying about your past mistakes and worrying about what the future holds. Look around you and see what's happening now. If your social life is stale and stagnated, do whatever it takes to improve the situation and look for new opportunities of meeting people.
• Some of us are born to be worriers, introverts and pessimists. While it's difficult to turn this around, it's not impossible over time. Try to think of the good things in your life, not the downside. Be more optimistic. And don't beat yourself up if you make mistakes, however impossibly huge that they seem at the time. We all do it and learning to flirt, just like any other skill, takes time and practice.
• Smile and pay compliments to people. Tell that work colleague that her new haircut looks great or tell someone how much you appreciate their advice if they've been helpful.
• Learn to modulate your voice – tone, speed and pitch. Cultivate a sexy laugh – but make sure it doesn't sound too tinny or false, just something you feel comfortable with.
• Accept that not everyone is going to like you and that you will get knock backs along the way. Hold your head up high and move on. They weren't worth it anyway.

Quick flirt tips

• If you feel good about yourself, smile and look happy. It's infectious.
• Start flirting by just saying 'Hi, I'm Jo'.
• Continue by asking a question about your surroundings or 'Great bar' or 'Crowded in here, isn't it?' is fine.
• Give clear signals – if you fancy someone, lean in a little or hold their eyes for a moment. If you don't fancy them, don't confuse them with 'come hither' signals.
• Ask questions – not in-depth, meaning of life questions but stuff about where they live/work or what they enjoy doing. Keep it light.
• Listen to the answers and move on from there.
• Monitor your voice, eye contact and body language
• Give and accept compliments
• Use and develop your instinct – it's a powerful tool
• If you give out your number – make sure it's the real thing. If you'd rather not pass it on, say so – politely.
• Accept rejection with dignity
• Be yourself...

Flirting no-no's

• Don't look miserable, bored or snooty.
• Don't play the dumb bimbo/macho man.
• Don't flirt in packs but flirting is essentially a one to one art form not a group activity.
• Don't invade someone's personal space – by all means lean in a little, but not so that they feel trapped!
• Don't be sarky or rude – not attractive!
• Use your body to its best advantage – but don't go over the top. A glimpse of cleavage is a whole lot more enticing than your D cups running over. And guys – unless you've got the coveted six-pack, don't wear a tight T tucked into your jeans.
• Keep the eye contact, but don't stare unblinkingly – they'll think you've escaped from the local asylum.
• Don't look over someone's shoulder – it will look like you're searching for the next victim.
• Don't ignore the signals – if they are not interested, let them go.
• Don't be too keen, too quickly. It's off-putting and seems desperate.
• Don't get too drunk – flirting is best done when relatively sober and in control.